It's About ME!

**WARNING!! THIS IS LOOONNGGGGG**

Not *everything* is about me....but this time the post on MY blog will be about ME. Not my sister or her belly or the fact that there's no baby yet. Not a photo journal of baby duckies (oh wait, that was on Facebook!). Not even a post with pictures of all my friends' children because I don't have my own (hmm..that was probably on Facebook too).
Nope, it will be about me, my current situation, and my future. Being that this blog was started to document moments in the life of Duane and/or myself (with little input from Duane), I'd say that's a concept! But don't you worry. When there's a baby out in this world waiting to be captured on camera...I will be there, and there will be a subsequent post on this blog. But right now, it's about ME.

Things are looking up and I can now say, confidently, that I have a future to look forward to. Another concept! Isn't that what life is supposed to be about? Goals, dreams and a future waiting to capture happy memories? I think so.

My journey:

When I blogged on the 28th of April to tell you all that I was taking a hiatus from the blog world, it was because, 2 days prior, Duane and I decided to separate and take a break from our marriage for a time. Things were not going well, but I will not go into details. Leave it to say I had a lot of work to do along with some serious soul-searching. Neither of us really knew what this separation would look like; whether it was a temporary thing, or whether it would turn into something permanent.

The day before my birthday, Duane dropped me off in Calgary at my relatives' home where my parents and siblings would also be before long. The drive from Fernie to Calgary was long, quiet and almost to the point of painful. There was no real goodbye. My family wrapped me in their loving embrace and allowed me time to cry on their shoulders. I love them for that.
I was in Calgary to celebrate the marriage of my beautiful cousin to the love of her life, and to celebrate my birthday on the same day. I can honestly say it was one of the hardest days of my life that I have had to endure. I hate that I have to say I endured my cousin's beautiful day...but honestly, it was hard. I was celebrating a marriage when mine felt like it was falling apart. Celebrating my birthday was the furthest thing from my mind, but endured that too and put on a smile for the camera when we went out for dinner anyway. This is a birthday I won't forget, but will constantly be reminded of. The silver lining is that I can never forget Mel's anniversary! :)
The ride "home" to Abbotsford was also long and there wasn't much that was discussed. My family seemed sensitive to my pain and pretty much left it alone. I can't say I enjoyed the drive that day.

May was a very hard month. I suffered through a ton of emotions...probably every one you can list, except the happy ones. I'm not sure I knew which end was up for most of the month. I spent a lot of time in bed and didn't eat much. I didn't spend time with anyone and kept myself holed up in the basement suite. Yes, I felt sorry for myself. I'm also pretty sure I went through some sort of depression. **Note: this is my side of the story (and helps me remember where I've come from), not a pity party...and I'm not discrediting what Duane went through. I just don't really know what he went through since we didn't talk. At this point, all I really know is that he was angry. For very good reasons.**
Eventually (near the end of May) I sorta picked myself up, sorta went job-hunting, sorta hung out with people and sorta started showing my face and my new stick-thin self. I even went up to Whistler for a girl's weekend to celebrate a friend's birthday, which I've wanted to join in on for years. I also walked a lot, took lots of pictures of things that made me happy, and posted them on Facebook as a way to show everyone I was up and (not really) running. I don't feel I attempted to prove I was "better" or even completely happy, but there is a point where you don't want to air your dirty laundry to the world, so select people were told (mostly those who asked) of the separation and kept the "mask" on for everyone else. The mask wasn't used for me to pretend like things were ok when they weren't, it was a means of self-protection and privacy controlled only by me. And I think that's fair. It's just what you have to do, especially when you're out there promoting yourself as confident and capable to the business world as a potential employee. It doesn't mean I'm happy, it just means I can put everything out of my mind and be my "normal" self when I go to work because I'm not going to go there and be a crab for 8 hours and whine about how terrible my life is. That is unacceptable.

June came with me starting my job almost full time in the shoe department at WalMart. Somewhere I never expected myself to have to work again. I felt that time was done in my teens and that it should be left there, but I did what I had to do to earn an income. I also began counselling with a psychologist twice a month at $150/session. What a mistake that was. Financially and emotionally, it was a mess. After two sessions she told me I was going to be getting a divorce and I should work to accept that and work through the emotions that would come with that instead of the emotions I was already dealing with. I chose not to go back. That was one of the smarter decisions I've made in my 7 months in Abbotsford. After my last session there, I went to a ladies retreat with my mom's church. That weekend kick-started something in me and I just don't know how to explain what it was. I was motivated to be a better wife and to fight for my marriage. Maybe it was all the estrogen in the air. I started with a new counsellor who was far more reasonably priced a week or so later, with a fresh outlook and a knowledge of what I needed/wanted to do to help my marriage along. June flew by. Since then, our sessions have worked towards that and worked at understanding what went wrong in the first place. I had my last session with her a week ago, and I would say (and I think Duane would agree) it was well worth it.

July happened with a lot of friend time, walks, picture taking and playing with kids. I think I pretty much just tried to enjoy myself in July.

In August I took a short trip to Calgary to visit Duane. I won't go into detail here either, but things went far better than I could have hoped for. I had no idea what to expect from the visit, as three months with little communication makes for a potentially awkward reacquainting. Essentially, we communicated very well, had a few lovely days together mixed with tears (happy ones!), forgiveness and re-commitment. Like I said, it was more than I could have hoped for. In the end, it was a VERY hard goodbye and I felt like a three year old on the first day of preschool...tears, clinging, cries of "don't go!" and hugs. I think I cried in the van for half an hour...then I slept. My family reminded me that now I knew things were going to be different, and that I would see him again. In a way, that goodbye was harder than the first one. There was no anger in my heart the second time like there was the first time. Love makes leaving all that much tougher.
August was also the celebration of Miss Ava's third birthday! I was SO happy to be able to be home for it this year, and I've loved the time I've been able to spend with the Murison family.


September meant the start of full time courses online for me (STRESS!). I am working towards my Early Childhood Ed. certification which was initially meant to end in June. I dropped hours at work in order to accommodate time during the week for school and getting assignments done, and while it helped, I was still feeling a LOT of stress and pressure to do well. I put that on myself. Duane was supportive and encouraging. September also included much phone/iChat time with Duane...almost every evening. We also started a devotional and were very committed to it, even though it was difficult with only one copy of the book and reading it over video chat or the phone.

Part way through October Duane drove in for another quick visit and we spent a day/night in Vancouver. We had a lovely time and celebrated Thanksgiving with my family. We visited the Vancouver Aquarium and took a very long walk on the Sea Wall through Stanley Park. We did manage to lose our way winding through the trails at one point, but then the iPhone and some people along the way got us back on the right track. There was also the opportunity to visit with his parents and brother there (who were in the city for a relative's wedding), which we gladly took. We ended up having lunch in New West on the Saturday and had to quickly race back to Abbotsford afterward to get me to work and so Duane could get back to Fernie at a decent hour. I really enjoyed having him here and having the chance to work on our communication in person! October also brought a bout of the Swine Flu (or some variation of) for me, and I was out for a week. I consider myself lucky with the mild symptoms I had compared to friends of mine! I felt like garbage and couldn't focus much on school (lost quite a few marks that week and a bit), but it was nothing compared to them. Since then, I have had a very tough time staying focused and motivated to finish school. All I can think about is going home to Fernie and getting my life back. I ended up dropping half my course load after my bout with H1N1, which I felt very at peace with even though I lost a lot of money doing it. My sanity was more important.
October was also another birthday celebration for a couple Murison family members, though I only was able to celebrate Levi's with the family. The big boy turned one!

While I feel I have adapted pretty well to living "on my own" in my parent's basement, hanging out with friends, doing school, working and helping my sister prepare for the baby, I still feel like something is missing....that would be my life with my husband in Fernie. I felt very in limbo here in Abbotsford with no future, knowing it wasn't where I was meant to be...even though it was meant to be for a time. My friends have been everything to me..keeping me in good spirits and giving me days to look forward to when we planned get-togethers. My family has also been supportive and is there for me when I need them. It isn't easy, but I'm surviving.

November has been hectic, to say the least. I made a sort of last-minute trip to Fernie to attend the job fair so I could find work. It was a silly waste of time, unfortunately, in that I was only able to drop off three resumes in the end, but not a waste of time in the area of being with my husband in our house in our town. It was refreshing. It helped motivate me to continue looking for work from a distance, with Duane's help. I think my Chai Matcha Latte from the Tea House was also a helpful boost :) I'd been craving it for a good 6 months!! Speaking of the Tea House...I start work there in just a couple of weeks! More on that in a minute.

The last couple of weeks have revolved mainly around baby...is it coming early or not? Does Jody have everything she needs? I have not focused on school as I should and am feeling the pressure of the possibility of failing a few of my courses. One of these courses is one I need in order to be able to apply successfully for my Early Childhood Ed Assistant certificate, and I'm worried I won't be able to rack up enough marks in the coming weeks to pass it. My focus has been on my excitement about baby and Fernie and spending as much time with friends as I can before I leave, and I haven't been able to focus my attention where it needs to be focused. I wonder sometimes if I'm dealing with mild burnout symptoms. The feeling that nothing can be done, that all is lost...but this is only about school, not about life...so I don't know.
These last weeks have also been spent applying for jobs online when I see something I might be interested in, and this last week has proved very successful for me!
While in Fernie at the beginning of the month, I left a resume at the Fernie Tea and Coffee House...only because I know the owners and was aware their daughter had to leave her position there to teach piano full time...not because I know a THING about being a barista! Things happen when you know people. I received a call shortly after I returned to Abbotsford, asking if I would like to join the team for 8 hours a week. This week we had a conversation on the phone about hours and how that would work for me. Being that it would be a supplementary job, I needed to find something that would work alongside that job before I could agree to join them. I asked for some time, which they gladly gave me, and in the following few days I threw resumes out there like crazy via email and applied for a part time childcare job through a job website in Fernie. I had two other phone/video chat interviews this past week, after which I was offered the job for both! One was a full time front desk position at a lodge and it had potential of some decent benefits in the future. The other was for the part time childcare job. The first was for the Tea House. This has clearly proven to me that last year was NOT my time to be in Fernie, and that God sees this as "His timing" now. This encourages me in that I think, if He's providing these jobs for me now, He knows my relationship with my husband will be fully restored! Woohoo and woot woot!! *lol* Funny thing was that I was offered the job for the front desk position about 24 hours earlier than he told me he'd phone and I hadn't had my video interview for the childcare job yet! I asked for some time to get back to him on it so I could finish the other interview and get a feel for things. The feeling I got was great, and the race was on for whether the mom would get back to me before my time ran out to call the lodge back with my answer! Oddly enough, I was phoned later that night (while I was at work) and offered the childcare job! I was able to wake up the next morning, phone the lodge and (nicely) refuse his offer, and call my new employer to sort out details.

Since then, I've been trying to figure out how and when I would get back to Fernie, as my first shift at the Tea House begins on Monday the 14th! I start my job as a nanny to three cute kidlets at the beginning of January. I don't have a date yet, but my guess is as soon as mom and dad go back to teach when school opens! Two of the kids belong to one set of parents and the youngest, coincidentally, belongs to a couple I know from church! A God-thing...I think so!! I am really looking forward to getting to know both couples, all three kids, and getting back into my life with Duane in Fernie!

Here's to 2010!!

*and ok...it did turn into a bit of a photojournal of sorts, but it would have been the dullest post ever if I hadn't added some element of color!**

~K~